How to Spot a Toxic Friend

A tragedy involving a friend during college struck me a few years back. Her sudden passing left me paralyzed for some time. 

Looking back at the moments we shared together – good times, and not-so-good times, I knew that they were memories worthy to be kept.  But sadly, because of misunderstandings our friendship was cut short, when it could have been deepened.  

Since that time, like the lifting of heavy drapes, something was unveiled within me….

Then, I remembered my shortcomings as a friend. I cried to God and repented of my selfish ways. It pains me to say that it took me some years to finally admit that…

I was the toxic one.

I have entitled the article, “How to Spot a Toxic Friend,” but my goal here is not for you to point your fingers at someone, but to locate that toxic friend within you – who may be hiding in your own shadow every now and then. 

• The one who has tendencies to mask manipulation in ‘concern,’ 

• The one who has tendencies to mask selfishness in ‘tampo,’ (or sulking)

• The one who has tendencies to mask self-seeking  in ‘exclusivity.’

I am familiar with the toxic friend’s ways, because I knew I was one, and I pray to not be one, at the present. By God’s grace, may we come to God for renewal and repentance, and let him define for you and me what Christ-exalting friendship is, and how it looks like. 

3 Things Toxic Friends should remember: 

1. We can’t change people.

This is both so simple and profound. Simple because we know this already, to be true. But profound, because though we already know it, we tend to do the opposite – we think we can change people, still. 

The thing with toxic friends is that they believe they can, at the very best of their ability, change people. And if their friends do change, they may think that they owe it to them. While it is true that we can influence people, we certainly can’t change their hearts.

Let the toxic friend in you cease, for it is God’s work to do inner transformation in people. As Christ-followers, we can be glad in doing secondary work in His primary work in people. 

2. We can’t hold tight grips on our friends.

I have seen friends come and go – some intentionally, some unintentionally, some because they moved away, while some because they were transitioning to new seasons in their lives.

I don’t know about you but when I know it’s time for a friend to go away (literally or figuratively),  something feels unsettling within me.  We crave friendships because they bring a sense of stability in our lives – and so that is why I feel so unsettled when they do go. 

I learned so much from Kelly Needham’s book entitled, “Friend-Ish: Reclaiming Real Friendship in a Culture of Confusion.” I highly recommend her book. Quoting from her book:

“Because Jesus is our stability,

we can be open-handed.”

Kelly Needham

Masyado na tayong open-minded pero hindi tayo madalas open-handed. (Translation: We are so used to being open-minded but we are not often open-handed).

We can trust that God is at work in them, whether they stay close to us, or move away from us (literally or figuratively). I have learned from the book, that we can be available to them as friends, while giving them the needed space to adjust in their current seasons.

God is at work, my friend, therefore, loosen your grip because His grip matters more.

3. Encourage and celebrate friends’ obedience to God. 

The toxic friend wants to be served rather than serve.  

True friends serve their friends by encouraging and celebrating their obedience to God – which can come in a form of a rebuke  (Proverbs 27:6) or encouragement. We need friends who see our blind spots, and who will lovingly and firmly correct you – believing that you can change. 

The toxic friend, on the other hand, holds little reverence for the word of God because he/she wants his/her preferences to be primary rather than God’s commands – and that can lead you to think that their opinions are absolutes.

Rightly distinguish between the former and the latter. And remember, a true friend, like Christ, seeks to serve rather than to be served.

I have no doubt that you will enjoy your friendships more if you come ultimately in a mode of giving, and not getting.

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The friend I need is the friend I need to be.

Our friends will disappoint us because they are not perfect.  And we will disappoint our friends because we are still a work in progress. One thing is for sure – we both need allowance, aside sa pera (hehe), this kind of allowance :

Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. – Colossians 3:13

Friendships are God’s gift to man, but it was never designed to dethrone God in our hearts. Toxic friends need to remember (1) we can’t change people, (2) we can’t hold tight grips on them and most of all, (3) we ought to encourage and celebrate their obedience to God.

Grateful for friends! And if you can’t find the friend you’re looking for, then be the kind of friend God wants you to be.

The friend I need, is the friend I need to be.