Dating for Dummies

Earlier this year, one night I stayed up a little late than the usual and tried to write about something I felt I was not qualified to write about. 

Nearly a decade of adulting, and now I had the urge to somehow transcribe my learnings in an attempt to show some gems I managed to pick up along the way. 

I guess we all have chapters in our lives that we’re not loud about. And that chapter for me is dating (huehue). An area – not quite mastered, and an area I have not fully figured out. 

But I know, that just as God is clear with His Word in black and white (commands and warnings),I still very much believe that our Lord is also able to shepherd us even in the gray areas of life. 

With a little prodding of some friends and internal wrestling, sharing this with you: 

————-

Dating can be a casual arena for some – a simple swipe left or swipe right. But for others, dating can be a hard terrain to  tread – a path of many high’s and low’s.

I find it challenging to write about this because of two reasons:  (1) I have to be vulnerable, (2)  I have to be honest.  To be vulnerable is hard because our tendency is to build walls than build bridges. And to be honest is hard because it needs humility (and alam nating di tayo humble by default).

And for ill-informed strong independent women, to be vulnerable and honest- can be daunting, demeaning, and … possible diabolical (in their own terms).  But I would counter-propose, it doesn’t have to be. 

Let’s rephrase dummies – as co-sojourners or simply put, classmates in this thing called life. Here it goes: —

Dating in the New Normal. 

Here’s the situation:

• Mom and Dad met in a bank. Now, we have online banking. 
• My sister and brother-in-law met in school. Now, we have online school.
• My sister and brother-in-law met in the church. Now, we have virtual church.

Seems like the notion of physical spaces is off the table, now we have is a very vast but also very virtual way of communicating. Online lahat. @_@ Ottoke? 

The thing is we live in a unique point of time and it is only right to also acknowledge that our modes of meeting people may have become a weeee bit challenging than the usual. 

A caveat for our online profiles: we post what we want people to see. So….. It’s not a holistic and accurate representation of our lives. You don’t generally  post your mistakes, your failures, your hardships – and you will only know a person who they are when those flaws are visible.

You may try to stalk, but you won’t really know them well, if you don’t try. ….. so maybe, just maybe, try communicating, and not make stories in your head.  (Note to self ko yan… kung lalake ako ahahah)

Low stakes. 

I don’t know how people approach this field, and for sure, what I say here is not a hard rule. But along the way, one thing I’ve learned is – when dating, go high on purpose but low on stakes.

Let me explain – Dating ought to be done in the prospect for marriage. But at the same time, dating is not marriage :))))))))))))) Wag praning, girl. Getting to know lang yan, di kasal. Minsan okay advance mag-isip sa ibang bagay, pero dito, wag. haha!!!! Go ahead, confidently and cautiously meet people. 

Quoting from Moral Revolution: “When we have a high stakes mentality around dating, it can be hard to let ourselves go on a date to get to know someone. When we lower the stakes, a first date doesn’t mean we have to know we’re going to marry them or that they have to be the love of our life, but it is a good opportunity to get to know someone!  That’s what the first date is all about! When we lower the stakes, we might just meet someone we really enjoy being with, and we would have never known if we didn’t ask or say yes to that person!”

You are not everyone’s cup of tea. And that’s okay. 

I used to feel like guys only try to dip toes and get temperature checks just to check if they’re willing to dive in. At first I thought, that sounds disheartening but maybe, it’s not such a bad thing after all.

Truth is, you are not everyone’s cup of tea. It’s a reality – they can admire you, but not necessarily pursue you. And that’s okay. We all want to exercise our free will. So let them choose.

A man’s liking/unliking of me and people’s evaluation of me –  do not tarnish God’s evaluation of me.  My self-worth is very much intact and solid because of this Truth.  And the Truth silences a lot of self-deprecating voices.  

I think it also applies to the other party. A girl’s liking/unliking of you never ought to dismantle your God-given worth and manhood. Go take her yes with joy, and go take her no and learn. Ganern ang agape love-  ready to love without expectation of reciprocation. You love just because you love.  Perfect example: how God loves us (Romans 5:8)

————————————————————————-

 To close, in my adult years, I have learned these sobering facts along the way: 

1. We’re not perfect. Neither are they. So manage your expectations. 

2. We have to set appropriate standards (not KDrama standards –   na parang  si Lee Min Ho lang papasa. Girl, gising na dyan from our Kdrama fantasies.) 

3. We have to trust the Lord, as we tread this terrain of uncertainty. 

Where is God in all this? 

You know, oftentimes, I have wondered if such needs are legitimate.  I have known a number of people who are grieving terrible losses – loss in business, loss in career, loss in relationships, loss in lives.  So is dating still, a thing we should even ………. think about now? ………

Well, my friend, I’ll leave that up to you. And may the Lord deal abundantly with us, whatever it is that He needs to deal with us. 

Your classmate (og importante buhi), 

Jamie :))))))