You are not where you used to be.

“Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different.” – C.S. Lewis

Lately, I began to retrieve my journals the past two years and stocked them up on my bedside table. I can usually fill up a whole notebook in two months, which is why I am not surprised that most gifts that I receive are either books or notebooks. (Salamat friends! Appreciate it.)

What do I exactly write? I plan, organize my thoughts, my days, my years and decades (yes I can go as far as that), meditate on the Word, but I also doodle, and write stuff randomly. I noticed my stories of victories are not that well documented in these journals and you’ll find them on my Facebook feed instead – which makes sense because we like showing people we’re ahead of our game and all, but keep all the other things out of the bay. But what comprises these journals are mostly my sorrows, disappointments, frustrations and how I handle them and surrender it all to the One who has a hold of things I cannot control.

On my 25^th birthday, I received overwhelming kind words that touched my soul (really) but I noticed something.

“You are an inspiration.”

“Your facebook posts inspire and minister to me.”

“You are doing a great job, I see all your work online.”

Luh.

A normal response would be thank you, yes, but my initial reaction would always be “luh.” Kasi too good to be true. haha.

People find it weird whenever I would open up about my weaknesses when they got so fixated with the image I portray online. Don’t get me wrong, I have always believed that people struggle because they keep two identities and I never wanted to be that kind of person. Who you say you are and who you really are should be in sync – and with His grace, we’ll be just fine.

As I read my notes, scanning through every page, I began to feel what I used to feel when I was writing those words.

I remembered how I had a hard time deciding to go home.  I remembered my struggles with former sins. I remembered having to go through some heartbreaks. I remembered people who betrayed me. I remembered how incompetent I was. I remembered my lack. I remembered my faults. I remembered hurtful words that were spoken of me and to me. I remembered people who criticized me. I remembered how big of a mess was and is my life. I remembered my tears and fears.  I remembered. I remembered it all too well.  Wow, so much had happened the past two years. What a trip down the memory lane.

I have moments of complacency, occasional doses of depression and unwavering tendencies to complain but I have resolved that the cure for all these is gratefulness. Reading through the same pages, I intentionally sought out things I failed to recognize and there were a lot. I remembered…

I remembered friends who chose to stick it out with me. I remembered my family who didn’t disown me for being weird (haha). And most of all, I remembered a God who willingly went through all those seasons with me, beside me, and had never abandoned me in the process. I remembered. I remembered it all too well. I feel stuck up in this season of my life but as I rummage through every page, I am beyond grateful to know that I am not where I used to be.

So in the next 35 years, I would have probably accumulated, 210 more journal notebooks to be stored in a wonderful wooden book shelf. And at 60, I would be glad to pick up any of these notebooks, look back, and see with lens of gratefulness of how every season, whether in joy or pain,  had ultimately worked out for my good.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28

 

Dear reader,

I’ll leave you tonight with this thought:

“Remember how far you’ve come,  not just how far  you have to go. You are not where you want to be, but neither are you where you used to be.” – Rick Warren

You are not where you used to be and that’s a big thing to be thankful for. I hope you’re encouraged. 🙂

-Jamie